Mimi,
...this is really hard to tell you more than anybody else in the entire universe.
but here we go.
my visa's been denied.
all the small lies that the company had to write on the application were out there in between of me and my interviewer and i just couldn't bring myself to go with it. call me stupid but honesty is all ive got.
it is very funny how we just had a talk about "real homeless" a coupla days ago and here it comes, a wake up call to push me.
this sucks ass big time that this had to happen right after when i decided that i have come so far to be fond of new york.
damn, i didn't think i was gonna cry over this until i started to write to you, but this fuckin hurts.
but maybe, it's about time for me to get hurt for losing something that i actually wanted.
come to think of it, i always wanted to do that. cry over some shit just cuz i can't have.
fuck, i loved new york.
and i really truely loved having you around on a daily basis.
i've never done that with anyone but you in my 24 years.
i've spoken to my boss, but we will have to have a serious talk tomorrow.
so i don't know what is going to happen with my living situation and my working situation.
she might come up with some ways to send me to new york somehow again. i don't know.
either way, i'd try for a tourist visa at least to collect my stuff, so i will still see you.
but i really feel or i just have to believe that this is a god-given opportunity for me to make THE right choice.
i tried so hard not to regret the decision that i made two years ago to work for this company, and not once did i allow myself to admit that i might have made a mistake for not thinking it through, but i feel like i have been given a chance to make a better one here.
i did have taken an easy way out and worked for easy money.
and maybe this is some random favor saving my ass from being homeless. cuz now i gotta make a move.
you know i would love to work in US. but i also have other things that i would like to try.
having my parents around everyday make me realize how much i have in my heart that i have never told them.
they wish me happiness, just one regular happiness. nothing extraordinary, nothing outrageous.
it breaks my heart to think that i can't want what they want for me.
but you keep telling me how...great i can be and you just woulnd't let it slide that i might have started to believe you.
that i want something that is only for me.
i want make something happen for myself.
and somehow you make me believe that i am in power to do that.
...you are a very bad influence if you havent noticed.
i already miss you gazillion bunch.
god damnit, cant believe this is happening.
but i know i didn't do anything wrong. ...i didn't, right?
me working for your company in two years still stands.
xo
Rox
